The cat survived the fire but I have probably smoked out most of the neighbours. The garden is stripped back on the moment. Everything is cut away to the quick, the dead leaves are gone and all there is left to clear up are a few twigs where the snowman was last week. But look closer and there are buds on the apple trees and the blue bells and daffodils are starting to show. There are shoots of montbretia and sedum in the beds and now that we are out of January you could persuade yourself that Spring might be here soon.

Despite the wet of the last month the fire caught well and the great pile of leaves, ivy and buddleia cuttings was soon diminished. It is still smoking now 2 hours later and I smell of burnt leaves.

Food is going to be in two stages this evening. A chicken noodle soup for the girls in the early part of the evening.

Then on the rturn from Sweden a partridge for me and chickpeas in tomato sauce, rice with lentils and burnt onion and aubergine for the rest.

For anyone interested I am toying with the idea of roasting the cat this afternoon.

The sun is shining and the sky is blue and it will be a good afternoon to light up the pile of leaves and the remains of the Christmas tree that is waiting in a corner of the garden. I can truss him up and shove something sharp up his backside and sit him on top. He will fight, of course, and there will be scratches and bites and I have no doubt plenty of blood. But there will be a certain amount of satisfaction and people will be able to come to the house without being seduced by his affectionate ways  before he turns to take a lump out of the.

I had cheered myself up earlier with a trip to Grange Electrical. I presented them with the spent fluorescent light tube that has been flickering in the basement for the last six months. I was further cheered when I found that I was going to be served by the father, and not the son (or I least I think he’s the son).

‘Do you have one of these?’ I asked.

He looked at it dolefully and shook his head.

‘Ah no sir. Sir we have not had those for a long time. I am sorry sir no.’

I looked at the shelves behind him creaking with the weight of contraband light-bulbs.

“But sir, sir, help his hand. If sir would only look up.’ He lifted his head and we both looked at the lights in the shop. They were all fluorescent tubes.

‘You see sir they are like yours but thinner. They don’t make these any more they are too thick sir. But now they make them thinner. Energy efficient sir. Look sir you look at those, they are like yours but thinner. And if sir looks over here,’ he pointed his hand to the ceiling in the corner of the shop, ‘ you will see sir an old one like yours. Sir if you wait I will go get you a thin one.’

He went into the back of the shop and got me one. £4.99.

I then depressed myself by going to PC World to talk about laptops and water. The eager young man was only too happy to tell me there was not too much that could be done with water damage. They could take it away for 14 days but with the parts etc i will want to get myself a new one otherwise it will be £50.

Lunch is lamb chops and mushrooms. I m the only one here with the cats.

It could be a quiet few days on here courtesy of the cat knocking over a jug of water on the kitchen table whilst we were watching Graham Norton. The cat is just about alive although it got a kick up its backside as it went outside. The laptop was sat in a puddle of water for a while and is now very quiet and dark. I will have to take it to the menders this morning. He was able to sort it last year when a glass of orange juice got spilt over it but somehow this feels more serious. The most pressing concern will be Cora’s homework and the English essay she was busily writing last night. I can already hear the cries of anguish when she gets the good news!

There is of course another computer in the house but there will be four of us fighting to get on it and me writing on this will be low down the list of priorities when put next to work, homework and the need to watch endless re-runs of Friends.

In the meantime the man with the black beard is settling down at the bar in Arundel’s and is wanting to talk about fish, the sea and the weather.

It has been a Friday night so I thought I could indulge the kids who would be eating with me so I asked them, ‘What do you fancy? What can I cook for you?’

There was one who answered simply, ‘Noodles’, but that was what I had cooked the last few times she had been given any choice. We’d had enough of noodles.

‘Something I like,’ was the other helpful answer.

Given those two answers I had the who culinary world at my disposal. They would almost eat anything but on the drive home through Birkenhead my mind settled of steak and chips.  I may have said it before but put me in a good restaurant where they are on the menu I an quite happy to ignore all the other good things on the menu and settle for a good piece of steak and some crispy potato.

The quality of the steak was constrained by the supermarket but they were okay.

The chips were made by slicing up into the appropriate shape the potatoes we had in the cupboard, dousing them in oil and putting them in a very hot oven for an hour.

I ground up black peppercorns and pressed them into the steaks with my fingers. As part of some childhood hangup I cut myself a small slice of the raw meat to make sure it was okay.

As the potatoes were starting to crisp up a pan went onto the stove to heat up. The steaks were rubbed with oil and thrown onto the hot metal. They sizzled and siezed for a minute before I turned them over. There was no cognac in the basement so brought up the remains of bottle of Grappa. As the steaks were cooking I cooked up two large field mushrooms in butter. Once the steaks were done I threw in a good glassful of the grappa and the children gathered round to watch the flames and have a go setting the kitchen alight.

There wasn’t much left when we finished eating.